My Struggle Back To Health

To return back to my Homepage, then

Hello, before I start I just want to say that this page is not all about me winging or moaning !! but  an insight to the feelings of someone who has had M.E. I know that there are hundreds of people with this horrible complaint out there, so I would like to aim this biography at them, and to try and give just a little bit of hope and comfort to all concerned, My story is from my heart, and gives my feelings, my thoughts, my desperation, and at one point even the sheer helplessness that nearly drove me to suicide !! but through all of this, I survived and have now gone on to make a full recovery, (thank god) If you have M.E. and would like to ask me any questions, or just need someone to talk to, then please e-mail me, I would love to hear from you, and if I can help in any small way, then I most certainly will.                        Catherine

The day started the same as any other day except that John had to deliver a 55ft steel ketch from Falmouth to Chichester Harbour on the south coast of England, and I had to go into town to do a little bit of shopping, I stood on the pontoon at Falmouth ready to wave John off on his trip, and feeling a slight tinge of jealousy that I was not going with him as I had done so many times before, and starting to daydream of past cruises, but I was rudely bought back to reality when John gave a blast on the fog horn and gave a final farewell wave, before the boat faded into the morning mist that was drifting in from the sea, I continued to stand there looking into the mist, even though I could not see anything, but listening to the thud thud thud of the engine as it gradually made its way to the sea, giving a final wave to nothing but my own thoughts, I turned to make my way up into the town so that I could get  the bits and pieces we needed, and do the normal window shopping, It was while I was looking in one of the windows that I started to feel a bit dizzy, and suddenly realised that with all the activity of getting John off, I had not had any breakfast, so thought the best thing I had better do was pop into a restaurant and have a cup of tea, followed by a big cream cake, purely for medicinal purposes you understand ? but little did I know just what was ahead of me, or just how much my, no, our lives were to change in the coming months, finding that even after my cream cake I still felt a bit funny, I thought it best to get the things I needed and then go back to the boat, Yes, I did say boat !! because at that time we had been cruising for about three years on our 45ft yacht so that we could see some of the world, but for more of that story, if you press "Yachting on the "Nav Bar" then you will be able to read a little bit about our Cruising days, but I will say that the days were full of fun, relaxation, and excitement, but to continue, even to this day I am not quite sure how I managed the trip back, every step was like climbing up a very steep mountain, and I dont like climbing !! but finally I arrived back at the boat and just collapsed onto the berth (bed) I remember thinking "god" I wish John was back, but he was still away for another two days, even the thought of that made me run cold, I am not sure how I got through those two days, I found that it was now a struggle to walk up to the toilets that were on the quay side, not a great distance but for me at that time it was like a hundred miles, When John arrived back to the boat he must have wondered what had hit him, instead of the fun loving girl he had left behind, he now found a very tearful and quivering mess purporting to be his wife, "what on earth has happened to you", were his first words to me, at which I immediately burst into tears and made incoherent noises, The next day the first thing that John done was to call the doctor to me, when he arrived the first thing he wanted to know was where had we been, who had we been in contact with, had the boat been to foreign lands, questions questions questions, and I was not exactly in the mood for answering them all, cant I just have some pills or something I said ? but it all fell on deaf ears, I had to give blood, water, and some other things as well !! and was politely told that I would have to wait for all the tests to come back, I should mention that at this point I had become weaker, I could not eat, my head felt as though it belonged to someone else, and the washing needed to be done !! the thoughts a woman has Hi, John had an idea that if I could not eat then how about trying some yoghurt, and then went out to get some, and for the first time in about a week I managed to have something to eat (not a good idea) but I still continued to get worse, I now found that it was an effort to walk more than a few steps without collapsing, I had to have the curtains closed on the boat because I could not stand the light, any loud noise used to make my head feel like it was going to explode, and being in a marina is not the quietest of places to be ! so it was that John decided to move the boat to another mooring so that I could have the quietness that I so desired, and that did in fact help rather a lot, the doctor continued to call on me and finally made an appointment to go to the hospital to have even more tests and things done, my god, that was a total nightmare, not the hospital, but getting there, because we had been cruising we had sold our car so that we did not have to go back to any one place, and this worked super until now, anyway, John called a taxi and then it was a matter of getting into the dingy, getting ashore, climbing up the ramp to the road, and then the travelling to the hospital, I cant for the life of me imaging how on earth I finally got there, I think it must have been a blur from start to finish with John half walking and half carrying me all the way, It was a little easier coming out of the hospital though ? they had taken so much blood from me that I must have been at least two stone lighter !! in fact I dont really remember much about coming back to the boat, because the next thing I remember was waking up to the soft sound of the water lapping round the hull of the boat, and John up on deck keeping things ship shape, When the hospital tests had been done, the doctor called one day and informed us that it was looking more and more like I had developed M.E. only the doctor said it in a rather long sounding name that made John retort in a rather abrupt and concerned voice to explain what this all meant, but the only thing that stuck in my mind were the words NO CURE ?? (which I now know was totally wrong) all sorts of things flashed through my mind, will John the man that I love leave me ? how will I do the shopping, will I ever walk again, my mind was in turmoil, what about my children will they still want to know me if I am nothing but a useless blob !! I asked myself over and over again, what had I done that was so wrong to be punished this way,  after this the days and weeks went whizzing past with me doing my best to try and move a little, and having to rely on John for 'Everything', I did in fact manage to start going out into the cockpit of the boat for an hour or so to look at life as it carries on, one day while I was sitting in the cockpit, John came back from a shopping trip into the town, ( he now had to do all the shopping, washing, and other things) and on climbing aboard, presented me with a complete set of artist drawing pencils in a big wooden case, and some books of drawing paper, John had seen me using an old pencil and a scrap of paper to do a sketch while I was sitting out there on one of  my better days, and being ever thoughtful, had gone to an Art shop and bought them for me as a surprise. And so started my interest in Painting and Drawing I spent many an hour drawing different things on and around the water, in fact I think it was the only thing that kept me sane !! because some times for weeks on end I could not move more than a few steps, I could not sleep so that also took its toll, anything I ate just went straight through me, and even going to the toilet I had to have Johns help, I know John is my husband, but its a horrible thing to lose your self respect and privacy on very personal things, but he was the perfect gentleman and helped me to maintain some of my dignity, I must have been on the boat for about six (6) months, which in itself was a blessing as I did not have to climb stairs and things, and everything I needed was right to hand, and because of our way of life at that time, I was able to to have complete rest as and when I needed it, It was now well into summer and it was a lovely sunny July day,   as it was one of my better days I thought I would sit on deck and top up my tan for a short while, but I was soon interrupted by some friends that had rowed out to see me, "Hi Catherine, you are looking well" they shouted as they got nearer, and that brings me to another point about M.E. you usually do look well !! and people just dont believe there is anything wrong with you ? everyday is different, what you can do some days you might not be able to do the the following day, and the symptoms vary from one day to the next as well, it hits you at all levels, My main symptoms apart from the eyes, and noises, were also muscle cramps and pain, general lethargy, and a tiredness that would totally immobilise me, another thing that happened at a later date was the onset of Agoraphobia, I think being on the boat for so long it became my refuge, a safe haven that no one could hurt me, even the thought of stepping onto the pontoon used to fill me with a fear, so when John said to me that the sensible thing to do was sell the boat and move ashore, I nearly died there and then !!! it also brought all the fears back to me that he was just trying to get rid of me, that he did not love me, he wanted to make me suffer being shut away in a house with only the next house to look at, but of course, John was only thinking of my well being as he always does, and deep down I knew he would never do anything against me, his trust and love for me has always been unquestionable, and he would stand by me no matter what. We eventually sold the boat to some Dutch girls that wanted to sail round to the China Sea, and then onto Australia, so with cash now changed hands, it was time to go to our new house, that John had to look for by himself as I was in no state to go with him house hunting, I cannot describe the sheer terror that I felt as John helped me up the pontoon to the car that we had now bought, and the journey to our new abode was even more frightening, I so desperately wanted my boat back, We eventually arrived at the house and I hated it, it took me what felt like an hour to walk up and down the stairs, I only had the garden to look at, all my little friends that used to come to the boat for feeding had gone, the swans that used to peck on the hull when they wanted feeding, the friendly waves from the fisherman as they went on their way, I had lost it all, but in its place I had got a house that I did not have the energy to clean, a garden I did not dare go out in, and neighbours I did not know, I started to get so depressed by it all that at times I truly thought that the struggle was not worth the effort ? and at one point even thought about suicide !! but with Johns love and help, I struggled on.   One thing about moving though, was that a new doctor became involved with my case, and after some visits he then made an appointment for me to see a Microbiologist, he carried out various tests and things, but at the end of it he said the words that I had given up on !! "that I may get better" but I would have to cut out many things from my diet and that I would have to work very strictly to a diet sheet that he gave me, sent all the way from New Zealand, where this method had been tried and tested with good results, and that I should also see an Osteopath & Cranio-Sacrel Therapist, The happiness within me could not be given justice if I tried to explain my feeling at that time, at last, someone was trying to help me, I had now had this disgusting illness for nearly a year and a half, but at last I could do something to help myself in a small way, the main thing I had to do was write every single thing down that I ate, and then make notes on how I felt the next day, Slowly I began to build up a list of all the things that effected me, and was able to remove the offending items from my diet, (go to the page on "eating" to see the list) I continued this over the next six years, and very slowly regained my health back to somewhere to what it used to be, although I still have to be very careful in what I eat, I am living my life (nearly) to the full again and I am now making up for lost time, Is John still with me ?? YES,!! 

                                              'UPDATE'

CATHERINE HAS  LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER MAN, GIVING ABSOLUTELY NO WARNING, OR NOT REALLY HAVING A REASON ? AS OUR MARRIAGE WAS GOOD.   WHY ON EARTH SHE HAS THROWN ALL WE HAVE AWAY, IS ONE THING I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, MAYBE SHE HAD JUST GOT FED UP WITH ME? OR MAYBE SHE JUST LIKES TO HAVE AFFAIRS WITH OTHER MEN?  WHO KNOWS, ONE THING IS FOR SURE THOUGH, SHE WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE THAT HAD SUCH A DEEP LOVE FOR HER AS I DID,  AND I AM SHATTERED THAT I HAVE NOW LOST HER,    BUT LIFE MUST MOVE ON, AND I MUST TRY TO REBUILD MY OWN FUTURE NOW, BUT  WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT AN  IDIOT LIKE ME ??????

REGARDS

JOHN  (Catherine's ex husband)